J: You’re trying too hard, bro

Context: I had been talking to “Yelp” for a little while on Tinder, and he asked me out for dinner on Monday night. I was sick on Monday, so we ended up getting drinks on Saturday at Screwtop, a wine bar in Clarendon.

I don’t know if you’ve realized this, but M, L, and I have been on a LOT of Tinder dates. So many, in fact, that we consider ourselves experts in the field. Yeah, we’re impressive. We are available for coaching at a very affordable rate. Please inquire within.

Anyway, with our “expertise” we have subdivided the users of Tinder into two groups:
1. Those who want free food and drinks and maybe love but really just wine please ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
2. Those who have plans. Ideas people. But no friends or roommates or imaginary pals to do these things with. So they turn to Tinder to fulfill their dreams (and maybe find love but, eh, it’s Tinder).

If you have ever read a word of this blog, or met me, or seen the pure ecstasy on my face in the presence of chardonnay, it is very clear that I belong to the first camp. I highly recommend this route, but you can do whatever you want. I’m not the boss of you. You have to pay extra for that. “Yelp” was standing very firmly in camp numero dos. Which is fine with me, the two types actually go very well together. I bless him with my presence, he pays for me, win-win-mother-effing-win.

Yelp originally asked me to get dinner at a pub in Falls Church on a Monday night. In this invitation, he included the Google Maps directions, a link to the menu, and a link to the Yelp review. How thoughtful! So respectful of my busy schedule of Tinder dates and happy hours that leaves no time to look things up on my own! I agreed, because I like beer and pubs have beer.

However, Mother Nature had other plans for me. My body did the whole “NO BABY THIS MONTH” thing and at first I was like “Hell yeah” and then I was like “AHHH IT FEELS LIKE A ZEBRA IS CLAWING ITS WAY OUT OF MY ABDOMEN” and then I lay bedridden and begging for death. So I cancelled. And also just lost our entire male readership. Ta ta!

The next day, I get a text from Yelpy. “Hello. I know that I am but a lonely boy from Tinder and you don’t know me at all, and you were sick yesterday, but would you like to come to a Lenny Kravitz concert tonight? <Insert Google Maps directions to Wolftrap> <Insert Wikipedia article about concerts> <Insert link to entire discography of Lenny Kravitz>.”

Ok, at this point the whole link business is getting weird. Also, not to date myself, but who TF is this Lenny person, and why on earth would I want to spend 3 hours picnicking and maybe dancing with this Yelp-obsessed human who I had never met at a place so far away from the comfort of my apartment? Right. Regardless, it was a Tuesday night, and I had a date with a pitcher of happy hour sangria, so I gracefully declined. We rescheduled for drinks on Saturday night.

Friday comes along. “Hey, do you want to get dinner tonight at Founding Farmer’s at 7:00 PM? Here is the metro transfer directions and the driving directions and the menu and the nutrition information and a list of everyone who’s ever eaten there and oh, the yelp review, of course!” I was like omg calm down and no I have a life and plans duh (drinking wine and eating cheese with my roommates).

Saturday rolls around and I get his whole avalanche-of-links shtick again for the bar he wants to drink at. It involves getting on the Metro and so I suggest we stay closer to my apartment. I got home from dinner, poured a glass of wine, poured another glass of wine, chugged them both, and walked over to Screwbar at 8 PM. He texts me saying be there in 6. What? That is 6 additional minutes that I could have been pregaming. Rude. But he’s paying for my wine, so whatever.

He was a nice guy, and our conversation was okay, but he’s just a really awkward person. He had also never heard the song Trap Queen and that’s unacceptable. It was one of those things where even the bartender felt bad for me and when Yelpy was in the bathroom, he winked at me and refilled my wine glass. I blew him a kiss in return. We have a date next Friday.

So overall, a fine date. But seriously dude, what is it with the links? I only pray that you find a girlfriend or mail-order bride or like, a pet or something to keep you company. Because it’s not gonna be me.


Posted in J

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